At Soldiers Funeral, Follow the Families Lead

We went first to a man who has been director of the Center for the Study of Southern Culture at the University of Mississippi, Charles R. Wilson. At the top of his reply he wrote, "Unfortunately, I don't think I know the answers exactly to the questions... A local funeral director would know some of this." Which told us straightaway there might not be cut-and-dried answers. Nevertheless, we have tried to honor the request without heavy-handedness.

On the road

Sgt. Jackie Rhodes, public information officer with the Biloxi Police Department, said: "There is no written protocol for funeral processions (except) any time you see blue or red lights behind you, you should pull to the right and stop. That includes for funerals." Care should be taken, he added, even when processions come toward you on the road because they have the right of way, "and they just might be turning in front of you."

In any case, courtesy is recommended, but not at the expense of safety. In other words, don't stop for a funeral procession in the midst of 70-mph traffic on the freeway.

Biloxi police no longer routinely escort funeral processions, but Rhodes said drivers should consider the location, the volume of traffic and public safety above all else.

Funerals in general

Wilson, for his part, recommended black or dark colors for "proper dress." He added, "Younger people show much more diversity, though, than older ones." He also addresses "real age and class differences" in the approach to greeting the deceased's family. In other words, use common sense and follow tradition.

We took Wilson's advice and called Shannon Gibson, funeral director with Riemann Funeral Homes, who said he almost wishes the term "funeral" could be eliminated.

"We call them celebration-of-life services," he said, "and we encourage the family to personalize the service." If the deceased was a golfer the family might brings photos of him golfing, or display his clubs. If the funeral is for the member of a motorcycle club, fellow bikers are invited to lead the funeral procession.

Gibson said people should be guided by common sense and judgment, and any guidelines of behavior for visitation, funeral and interment are just that, guidelines.

Disorderly visitors may be asked to leave a visitation, and Gibson said in his experience no one has ever refused to go.

The best advice is to follow the family's lead.

It's important to mention, too, the only differences between military and civilian funerals is the full-military segment at the cemetery (or at the funeral home, if there's been a cremation), the military elements being the folding and presentation of the flag, the gun salute (outdoors only, of course) and the playing of taps. In every other regard - wake, calling hours, religious service - military and civilian funerals are the same.

The visitation

When you arrive, go to the family and express your sympathy, introducing yourself if you knew the deceased but not the family. Don't avoid talking about the person who has died, and don't feel uncomfortable if you or the family member become emotional or begins to cry. It's all part of grieving.

It isn't absolutely necessary to approach the casket to view the deceased, but if the family offers, it is customary to do so. Let your comfort zone guide you, and remember, just your simple presence will mean a lot to the family.

If you cannot stay for the entire visitation, try not to leave during any prayers that might be offered.

And Gibson implores anyone who attends a visitation, funeral or graveside service: "Turn off your cell phone," or at the very least, put it on vibrate.

The funeral service

Whatever the religious denomination and wherever the funeral takes place - at a funeral home, a temple or a church - again, use common sense and follow the lead of family members.

A clergyman usually conducts the funeral service, but occasionally friends and family members will take the lectern to offer remembrances or to eulogize the deceased. Wait for an invitation, and hang back until other family members have spoken.

When the service ends, don't loiter. Leave promptly, and if you plan to attend the interment, wait in your car to follow the procession to the cemetery. Don't forget to turn on your headlights so your vehicle can be identified as part of the procession, but remember to turn them off when you park at the burial place.

How to help later

The family will need support in the months and throughout the year following the funeral. Try to call regularly and include them in social plans or other events. It's important to keep them in mind, particularly around holidays and other special occasions during the first year after the death.

By recalling these special occasions - birthdays, anniversaries - you reaffirm the deceased's life.How to help later